This is the end.

So I noticed only one person noticed my poll. Haha.
And that one person, whoever you may be, wants me to write about boys.
So for that one person, for myself, and for Spencer, who will probably never see this...


[It's much better with music, but it's difficult to portray that through a blog.]

Don't tell me that you love me;
Don't tell me that you care.
All of your lying
Is far too much to bear.

I am never good enough for you
I am never good enough for you


Don't worry about me,
I am doing fine!
Just keep on living life,
And I'll keep living mine.

I was never good enough for you
I was never good enough for you


You were the only one who understood.
I wanted others to, but only you could.
And because you knew everything from the start,
You knew the perfect way to break my heart.


Someday you'll see that we
Were perfect for each other,
But when that day comes,
I will have another.

You'll come begging
On hands and knees.
Don't you forget
To say pretty please.

Not that it matters much.
I know who you are.
You are nothing more
Than a liar.

You will never be good enough for me
You will never be good enough for me


You've said it once; you've said it twice;
You've said it many times.
This is the end. This is the end.
This is the end.




Despite all your lying,
Despite all the pain.
I know anyone,
Good or bad, can change.

So I'll be here waiting,
Silently.
If you ever want
To come back to me.

I know you have said,
That this is the end.
But maybe someday
We could be friends.

Golly gee.

"I want to drink milk that's straight from the cow..."

Thanks Mallory. That was hilarious.
So currently Mallory's sitting next to me eating the ice cream cake they bought me,
and William and Jordan are in the kitchen making Yerba Mate. Jordan's obsessed. >.>

I've been really tired lately. Like really. Like I can't hardly keep my eyes open most of the time. And yet here I sit. I got back from taking Taylour home around 2145, and my mother, Mallory and William were watching home videos from when I was tiny. Normally a teenager would be at least a little embarrrassed, but no. I was really freaking cute. Still am. Why would I be embarrassed?

Anyhow it's ten minutes till 0100hrs, and we're still up. But I shouldn't be.
But we're going to watch Mr. Deeds, so...

That's why I'm awake.
Bah.

It's been so long since I've blogged, but they started Mr. Deeds, so...
I can't pay attention long enough to type.

So there.
Deal with it.

TRP<3

Golly gee it's been too long. :)
This past two weeks has been quite an exciting turn of events.

Boys. Are. Dumb.
After a long, difficult relationship, and a long, difficult ending to a relationship, I decided I was done with males for some time. Sure, they know how to make you feel good, but is it really worth it in the end? Who knows? Nobody does, which is why we continue with our giant game of trial and error. It doesn't just apply to math, you know.

So what happens when Sammy decides she's done with boys? ... Of course! Boys come flocking to her. >.>
Michael Perez, nice young man- complete opposite. So why is he interested in me? Well it doesn't matter, because I told him I didn't want anything to do with any boy past friendship. Yet he still wants me. I'd rather chase turkeys. ;)
Jacob A.K.A "J-Z"? It was only the second time of seeing him my entire life. We have friends who are friends with each other. And we all went to the Metz Hill Haunted Barn. Ooooh scary...not. There just happened to be an annoying girl with us that had a crush on him, soo...we thought we would get rid of her by causing a little jealousy. Little did I know, that flirting and hand holding was a little more than spawning the little green monster. Later that night, he asked me if I was single. And I responded with a "yes, but not available".
Caleb Bryant. Ohh you. We are buddies, no big deal. I've always known he had a little something for me, so I wasn't really surprised when he asked me out one night. Well I told him maybe we could go on one date or something, BUT a few days later I heard that he only asked me out so we could make out! Definately a big N-O now.
This boy. For your sake, I won't spill your name. But you are very obvious. Just come out and admit it. Doesn't matter anyhow because...
Taylor Perkinson. I've known you since you started high school. "Harry the Horse". You were always just one of my boys. (That I apparently corrupt. :)) But something happened this year. Perhaps that night we first really looked each other in the eye. "Take her by the soft white shoulders..." :) Rehearsals will never be the same. October 31st, just talking to you made me so incredibly happy. And from there the spark turned into a flame, and it's always growing. :)
We may never know how this happened, but I'm very happy it did.<3

Oh you

You shouldn't be so positive

You never stood a chance

I have high expectations

You can't dance my dance

I may have met the worst chef ever...

It's me!
I failed at chopping and frying an onion. I'm just thankful whoever ate my mom's lasagna didn't get food poisoning from my onion mishap.

But in a way, this has been a good experience. It has made me contemplate my future and rethink my expectations in a husband.

My future husband, whoever he may be, must be capable, to some degree, of cooking, because I am basically useless. If my family wants Ramen or Kraft mac-n-cheese every night, then I can handle that.

I don't even know who he is, but I feel bad for him already.

He should just be a house-husband, and I'll bring home the bacon.

Not literally of course, because I'd bring it home charred.

Oh how I wish...

I wish my heart would be honest with me.
I wish my heart and my mind would get in sync.
No matter how angry I am, I can't get over this.
I can't get over you.

I want to be able to think of you and not feel anything.
I don't want to feel.

Phew!

Wow. So, it's been a while. I've been extremely stressed and busy. I've enjoyed this week/weekend, but I'm glad it's over. Everything seems to be bittersweet. :/
Let's see...let's go back in time to October 16th...

Thursday, October 16th...My mom and I went to see Midsummer Night's Dream in Ashland (for free). It was wonderful! It was sooo funny. I'd love to see it again. BUT, I was sleeping on the way back home, and I woke up about 5 miles before canyonville...and threw up. >.>
It was the first time I threw up in nearly FIVE years! I was so upset...! :((

Then that following weekend, I went with Mallory and Taylor to see CHIODOOOOOSSSSS!<3
I love them sooo much! Let's see, first was A Skylit drive. They were great. Very cute boys. And Nick looks just like a cousin of mine. :) Then was Alesana, whom I love, and now I know that they give a great performance. They wear all white, and the lead screamer is HILARIOUS! I love him! Then was Escape the Fate, who are now a favorite of mine, thanks to Jordan. "This time I've got to live without youuuuuu!" I was too smashed to really enjoy them. Thennn was Silverstein, whom I had heard of, but never really heard...They're great. They're from Canada. They love animals. And Paul gave me his drumstick! He handed it right to me. :D
Then. Was. Chiodos. Oohhh! It was epic. And beautiful. I loved it. Craig is beautiful. I yelled "show us your titties", and it made him giggle.
But. Here's the bittersweet part: my pictures with Bradley Bell<3>

Tuesday, October 21st, I went back down to Ashland with my Acting class which was really fun.
But. There were no bridges.

Hahaha, It wasn't bittersweet. And that's an inside joke.

Umm, last friday, we had our first youth group in a long time, and I was the leader. The planner. And I should have asked for more help. Because that on top of everything else I've been doing, it was waaayyy too stressful. It was a lot of fun, butttt wednesday, I broke down. I ended up hyperventilating for about 40 minutes. Very terrifying. Very embarrassing.

And last but not least I guess, this weekend, two of Trevor's friends (and my friends too) came and stayed with us for the weekend. It was a lot of fun! But I like to be by myself. But oh well, I can't wait till they come to stay again!

Stress stress stress. We didn't have internet for a week or two. But now that we have it back, I'll try to start blogging more. So I don't give you super long blogs like this.

Sorry. :)

<3

OHHEMGEEEE!

My life is absolutely ridiculous right now. Here's how my average week will be:
Monday- 0800-1000: College
1030-1500: Working with Dean Friesen at the High School
1730-2030: Assistant directing fall play
2100-2200: Heroes :)
Then sleep...
Tuesday- 0800-1700: College
1730-2030: Assistant directing
2100-?: House and NCIS :)
Then sleep...
Wednesday- 0800-1000: College
1030-1700: Working with Dean Friesen or taking a break!
1715-1800: Piano
1800-2030: Assistant directing
2100-?: Home and sleep...
Thursday- 0800-1100: No College! I can sleep in a little!
1100-1700: College
1730-2030: Assistant directing
2100-?: Home and sleep...
Friday- 0800-1000: College
1030-1500: Working with Dean Friesen or taking a break...!
1900-?: G.L.O.W. (which you all should attend...)
?-?: Sleep...
Saturday- Hopefully a free day!
Sunday- 0930-1230: Church and teaching my class
1300-?: Hopefully more free time.

And that doesn't include the multiple shows* I'm going to see, the time it takes to travel and eat, the time it takes to do homework, keep my room and the kitchen clean, which is a daily job...

>.>

And here I am wasting time writing a blog.
But I'm tired. My brain needs a break.
I'm becoming more and more anxious each day.
If stress and anxiety were people, I wouldn't mind kicking them in the groin right now...

I can't wait for this term to be over. I'll get 22 days of freedom from college at least. And about two weeks off from high school stuff.

I've got to start saying "no" to things.



*Mmm, I'm really excited for the next few months shows-wise.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Ashland for "Midsummer Night's Dream".
Saturday and Sunday, I'll be in Portland for Chiodos on Sunday. <3
Monday, there's a grange show** I'd like to attend. Fear Before!
Tuesday, I'm going to Ashland again to see "A View From The Bridge" with my acting class.
24.10, this isn't a show, but I'm excited for G.L.O.W.'s comeback.
25.10, I'm hopefully going to see 3OH!3! Whoo!
06.11, if we're lucky, All Time Low in Portland.
09.11, another grange show... Winds of Plague!
15.11, another grange show! The Faceless


**Grange shows are wonderful! :D
Go here- www.myspace.com/carlsonproductions
Please?

Lies: The Blog as it should have been.

I could not be having a worse day.

I am so filled with anger. I am beyond anger.
I'm apparently beyond words, because I am having a very hard time writing this stupid blog.
All you ever gave me was lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Lies and excuses. Six months ago, if someone told me this would happen, I never would have believed them, but it's you I never should have believed.

I hate that you're the one making me feel this way.
I hate that this is the content of my second (by default) blog.
I hate that I believed you and your stupid words.
I hate that you're the only one who would understand the hidden meanings.
I hate that I did things for you, because you don't deserve anything from me.
I hate that I'm always looking over my shoulder.
I hate that I'm uncomfortable everywhere I go.
I hate that we live in the same town.
I hate all this anger.
I hate all this hate.

But most of all, I hate that no matter how much I want to hate you, I still care.

Lies

I'm so angry, because I just wrote this blog filled with so much emotion, even if it was negative emotion, and I pressed the wrong button, and it got deleted.

And now I'm so drained from this negative emotion, that I don't even have it in me to re-write.

Finally a blogger

Perhaps a bloggerette?
For my very first blog, I want everyone who will ever read this to know
that I honestly feel as though I might throw up.

I've been wanting to start my own blog probably for months now, but the thought of a myspace blog displeased me.
The other day, through a myspace bulletin, I saw that Kolleen had a blog, which I read most of,
then within the next couple days, I also noticed Elijah had a blog.
Of course, if Kolleen has a blog, then Elijah would, or vice versa.
And finally this morning, I saw that David had a blog. I read his entry about text messaging Jesus, and I loved it, and I finally gave in and decided to start my own.

So here it is! I promise it will get much more entertaining.
Right now, it's like that first day of school when all of the teachers read their syllabi.
Booooring! Why type it up if you're going to read it to us?

My hands are abnormally dry.
Most likely caused by the use of bleach. I love bleach.

Oh and I did throw up a little.
Only a little.
<3