Oh how I wish...

I wish my heart would be honest with me.
I wish my heart and my mind would get in sync.
No matter how angry I am, I can't get over this.
I can't get over you.

I want to be able to think of you and not feel anything.
I don't want to feel.

Phew!

Wow. So, it's been a while. I've been extremely stressed and busy. I've enjoyed this week/weekend, but I'm glad it's over. Everything seems to be bittersweet. :/
Let's see...let's go back in time to October 16th...

Thursday, October 16th...My mom and I went to see Midsummer Night's Dream in Ashland (for free). It was wonderful! It was sooo funny. I'd love to see it again. BUT, I was sleeping on the way back home, and I woke up about 5 miles before canyonville...and threw up. >.>
It was the first time I threw up in nearly FIVE years! I was so upset...! :((

Then that following weekend, I went with Mallory and Taylor to see CHIODOOOOOSSSSS!<3
I love them sooo much! Let's see, first was A Skylit drive. They were great. Very cute boys. And Nick looks just like a cousin of mine. :) Then was Alesana, whom I love, and now I know that they give a great performance. They wear all white, and the lead screamer is HILARIOUS! I love him! Then was Escape the Fate, who are now a favorite of mine, thanks to Jordan. "This time I've got to live without youuuuuu!" I was too smashed to really enjoy them. Thennn was Silverstein, whom I had heard of, but never really heard...They're great. They're from Canada. They love animals. And Paul gave me his drumstick! He handed it right to me. :D
Then. Was. Chiodos. Oohhh! It was epic. And beautiful. I loved it. Craig is beautiful. I yelled "show us your titties", and it made him giggle.
But. Here's the bittersweet part: my pictures with Bradley Bell<3>

Tuesday, October 21st, I went back down to Ashland with my Acting class which was really fun.
But. There were no bridges.

Hahaha, It wasn't bittersweet. And that's an inside joke.

Umm, last friday, we had our first youth group in a long time, and I was the leader. The planner. And I should have asked for more help. Because that on top of everything else I've been doing, it was waaayyy too stressful. It was a lot of fun, butttt wednesday, I broke down. I ended up hyperventilating for about 40 minutes. Very terrifying. Very embarrassing.

And last but not least I guess, this weekend, two of Trevor's friends (and my friends too) came and stayed with us for the weekend. It was a lot of fun! But I like to be by myself. But oh well, I can't wait till they come to stay again!

Stress stress stress. We didn't have internet for a week or two. But now that we have it back, I'll try to start blogging more. So I don't give you super long blogs like this.

Sorry. :)

<3

OHHEMGEEEE!

My life is absolutely ridiculous right now. Here's how my average week will be:
Monday- 0800-1000: College
1030-1500: Working with Dean Friesen at the High School
1730-2030: Assistant directing fall play
2100-2200: Heroes :)
Then sleep...
Tuesday- 0800-1700: College
1730-2030: Assistant directing
2100-?: House and NCIS :)
Then sleep...
Wednesday- 0800-1000: College
1030-1700: Working with Dean Friesen or taking a break!
1715-1800: Piano
1800-2030: Assistant directing
2100-?: Home and sleep...
Thursday- 0800-1100: No College! I can sleep in a little!
1100-1700: College
1730-2030: Assistant directing
2100-?: Home and sleep...
Friday- 0800-1000: College
1030-1500: Working with Dean Friesen or taking a break...!
1900-?: G.L.O.W. (which you all should attend...)
?-?: Sleep...
Saturday- Hopefully a free day!
Sunday- 0930-1230: Church and teaching my class
1300-?: Hopefully more free time.

And that doesn't include the multiple shows* I'm going to see, the time it takes to travel and eat, the time it takes to do homework, keep my room and the kitchen clean, which is a daily job...

>.>

And here I am wasting time writing a blog.
But I'm tired. My brain needs a break.
I'm becoming more and more anxious each day.
If stress and anxiety were people, I wouldn't mind kicking them in the groin right now...

I can't wait for this term to be over. I'll get 22 days of freedom from college at least. And about two weeks off from high school stuff.

I've got to start saying "no" to things.



*Mmm, I'm really excited for the next few months shows-wise.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Ashland for "Midsummer Night's Dream".
Saturday and Sunday, I'll be in Portland for Chiodos on Sunday. <3
Monday, there's a grange show** I'd like to attend. Fear Before!
Tuesday, I'm going to Ashland again to see "A View From The Bridge" with my acting class.
24.10, this isn't a show, but I'm excited for G.L.O.W.'s comeback.
25.10, I'm hopefully going to see 3OH!3! Whoo!
06.11, if we're lucky, All Time Low in Portland.
09.11, another grange show... Winds of Plague!
15.11, another grange show! The Faceless


**Grange shows are wonderful! :D
Go here- www.myspace.com/carlsonproductions
Please?

Lies: The Blog as it should have been.

I could not be having a worse day.

I am so filled with anger. I am beyond anger.
I'm apparently beyond words, because I am having a very hard time writing this stupid blog.
All you ever gave me was lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Lies and excuses. Six months ago, if someone told me this would happen, I never would have believed them, but it's you I never should have believed.

I hate that you're the one making me feel this way.
I hate that this is the content of my second (by default) blog.
I hate that I believed you and your stupid words.
I hate that you're the only one who would understand the hidden meanings.
I hate that I did things for you, because you don't deserve anything from me.
I hate that I'm always looking over my shoulder.
I hate that I'm uncomfortable everywhere I go.
I hate that we live in the same town.
I hate all this anger.
I hate all this hate.

But most of all, I hate that no matter how much I want to hate you, I still care.

Lies

I'm so angry, because I just wrote this blog filled with so much emotion, even if it was negative emotion, and I pressed the wrong button, and it got deleted.

And now I'm so drained from this negative emotion, that I don't even have it in me to re-write.

Finally a blogger

Perhaps a bloggerette?
For my very first blog, I want everyone who will ever read this to know
that I honestly feel as though I might throw up.

I've been wanting to start my own blog probably for months now, but the thought of a myspace blog displeased me.
The other day, through a myspace bulletin, I saw that Kolleen had a blog, which I read most of,
then within the next couple days, I also noticed Elijah had a blog.
Of course, if Kolleen has a blog, then Elijah would, or vice versa.
And finally this morning, I saw that David had a blog. I read his entry about text messaging Jesus, and I loved it, and I finally gave in and decided to start my own.

So here it is! I promise it will get much more entertaining.
Right now, it's like that first day of school when all of the teachers read their syllabi.
Booooring! Why type it up if you're going to read it to us?

My hands are abnormally dry.
Most likely caused by the use of bleach. I love bleach.

Oh and I did throw up a little.
Only a little.
<3